An Atheist in the Woods

by admin on December 3, 2011

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

“What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him…

atheist woods

>At that instant the Atheist cried out, Oh my God!’

Time Stopped. The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man,

a voice came out of the sky.

“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist looked directly into the light, It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?

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“Very well,” said the voice..

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
Bear Praying

Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

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Top 10 Ways To Get Your Girlfriend To Watch the Superbowl
GirlFriend-to-watch-sports

TWO WAYS YOU WON’T MAKE HER CARE ABOUT SPORTS

Desperate times call for desperate measures, but if you choose either of these two roads to failure, you’re going to regret it.

10. Don’t Make A Deal With The Devil

My buddy had a girlfriend who acted like Warden Norton from Shawshank Redemption and treated him like Andy Dufresne. She was glued to his hip like he was on 24/7 probation watch, with the only difference being that my friend wasn’t nearly as smart as Dufresne.

Case in point: when she made a deal with him to watch the NFL’s Wild Card Playoff weekend one year.

He watched. He bet on a few games without telling her. He had a great time. And all the while, she was sitting there with her arms folded making small talk and rolling her eyes every time her conversation was broken up by something exciting happening on the TV.

She was there because she knew she had committed her boyfriend to a you owe me clause before they even joined the party. My buddy sold his soul to watch Wild Card Weekend and was stuck taking swing dance lessons for the next three months.

Sounds fun, right? Not really. He broke his wrist and was in a cast for six weeks.

The lesson is simple: Don’t start negotiating your hobbies against hers. You’ll always lose.

It’s a reality that you just have to start accepting. If your girlfriend is worth your time, then she’s probably smarter than you.

9. Don’t Make This A Me vs. You Thing

The last thing you want to do is present watching sports as a brutal battle between her interest and yours. You never want to engage in a well last weekend we planted flowers so this weekend we’re watching slam dunks kind of debate because it never makes sense.

Women have this weird way of rationalizing fairness in their heads in a way that I can’t even begin to comprehend. The second you make sports about you and your stupid interests, is the second she’ll dig around to try and find something that she has in her life that matches your love of sports. Then you’re stuck.

START WITH HISTORY LESSONS

8. Show Her Hoosiers  and Rudy 

Chicks love heart warming stories and these two movies are as heart warming as you get. The best part is that they’re actually good movies and totally re-watchable.

Both movies have solid ratings on Rotten Tomatoes , and I’ll take any excuse to watch Gene Hackman yelling with a clipboard in his hand. If she turns around and asks, So that’s why you like sports so much? then you’ve got her on the right path.

Trust me, it’s two-hours of an evening well spent and a much better way to convince her that watching sports is OK instead of telling her, Cuz football is awesome, dumbass!

7. YouTube Is Your Friend

Undeniably, my favorite NFL player is Hines Ward. How’d I get my girlfriend to start liking him too? Easy. I showed her clips of him throwing down massive blocks, like the one that nearly crippled Keith Rivers.

Same thing when she didn’t know why I liked Michael Jordan so much.

YouTube’d it.

She wasn’t sure what the big deal about LeBron James was since he hadn’t won a championship, so I showed her Game 5 against the Pistons.

Not sure why people love Alexander Ovechkin?

YouTube.

It’s nearly the perfect way to show her the history of the sports you like without boring her to death with all your yapping and useless chatter.

 

6. Tug At Her Heart Strings

Eventually the shock and awe tactics will wear off. What you really want to do is tap that primordial emotion that gets her tears welling. Tugging at her heart strings will not only make her a sports fan of sorts, it’ll also allow you to tug at her g-strings.

There are two clips I use to convince girls that they should love sports and neither of them star Visanthe Shiancoe.

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The first is the one where Tedy Bruschi takes a kid who had recently had open heart surgery on a tour of Gillette Stadium. It’s a ten-minute clip that will make your girlfriend melt, and if you don’t tear up a little too then you’re probably composed of 60% evil and 30% hatred with the other.

Bruschi and Six-Year Old Andrew:

 

The second clip is Kevin Garnett’s interview from 2005 when he was still with the Timberwolves. If this guy doesn’t encapsulate competition for you, then I don’t know what will. It’ll show your girlfriend why we idolize guys like KG.

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KG Interview”I Just Want To Win:

 

THE PATH TO SUCCESS

Three steps to making her a real sports fan¦

5. Make Her Realize What Sports and TMZ Have In Common

Half the reason a lot of people follow sports is the sheer adrenalin rush of competition and the thirst to live vicariously through our favorite teams as they bust through to win championships. The other half is because of the drama.

Just admit it already.

You love hearing about the drama surrounding these million-dollar babies. So why not tell her about them? If your girlfriend loves the kind of smut they roll out on TMZ, then she’ll feast on the kind of knee-slapping hilarity that happens in sports.

See that guy? Yeah, number fifty-two in the purple. He killed somebody in a limo!

Nah, people don’t think he’s crazy because of his goofy haircuts. This guy punched someone in the stands for throwing a beer at him.

4. Educate Her On “The Craft”

You know that annoying person who comes in to a movie half way through and asks all the annoying questions like, Who’s that guy? and Why’s he doing that!?!

That’s what it’s like to watch sports when you have no idea what’s happening.

If she doesn’t know what a pick-and-roll is, why people run play action, or that eight in a box isn’t a guy’s term for a gang bang, then she’ll just get frustrated (unless she’s really in to gang bangs).

Slowly tell her why certain players play certain positions and enlighten her on what makes players like Chris Johnson so damn fun to watch. In the process, the next thing happens¦

3. Find Her A Favorite Player or Favorite Team

As your girlfriend starts to realize that there are some real juicy story lines in sports, and some incredible personalities, she’ll start to gravitate towards certain players and it’s your job to encourage it. This is your duty to her.

If she’s remotely broaching the idea of liking a particular team or player, then it’s your job to do everything right so she a) doesn’t pick an awful team and b) doesn’t make sports a passing fancy.

Rarely does a girl actually have a genuine team that they follow. Most skirts follow the New England Patriots since they’ve won three Super Bowls in the last decade. I like to watch the game and follow the SuperBowl Odds (here).

They’re like butterfly tattoos.

If she loves Tom Brady, then just show your girlfriend this clip HERE and she’ll realize he’s a smug bastard that doesn’t deserve her affection.

Once she gets attached to a favorite player, and a favorite team, you’ve pretty much won her over. Buy her a jersey. Support this new endeavor of hers in every way possible but make sure it’s her choice and not yours.

She’ll have just as much fun taunting you for being a Bears fan as much as you will for rubbing it in her face that she chose the Browns because Brady Quinn is adorable. If she’s just following your favorite team, then it won’t feel like hers.

Kind of like when you buy a house and your girlfriend lives there too she just wants to feel like its hers and you pretend it is even though you know you can kick her out.

MAKE IT AN EVENT

Now that you’ve got her hooked, convince her that sports are a social event that can lead to fun with friends and romance. Yes romance.

2. Make Sunday A Social Event

The best Sundays I ever enjoyed was when I lived out West, we had Direct TV, four televisions, and a big, comfy living room to house up to fifteen of my friends. Inevitably, twenty people would show up at 9 A.M. on the dot, drag my fat ass out of bed and we’d start getting things rolling.

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To be honest, half of the room was intensely watching the games and checking their fantasy rosters while at least two people were puking in the bathroom by halftime. It’s not just about football it’s about bringing all your friends together.

I know this sounds like a cheap excuse to make her cook appetizers for you and all your friends, but it doesn’t have to be (unless she gets jacked up by cooking for guests and cleaning up after them).

Once she realizes that sports serves as a common bond for you and your buddies, she’ll want to join in the fun. It’s a proven fact that girls feel alienated by sports-based gatherings because they feel they don’t belong. If she knows what she’s watching, and is able to understand why the hell everyone is so excited, she won’t even notice that your buddy just urinated on the couch or that somebody broke her favorite lamp.

1. Take Her To A Live Game”In A Different City

It’s really the simplest way to get her to like sports. Make it a date night and while you’re treating her to a nice dinner near the stadium, tell her why the game is going to be fun. She’ll get so drawn in by the excitement of a LeBron vs. Kobe game, or a Peyton vs. Brady game that you’ll have her turning the corner in no time.

But don’t make it just about the game. Take her on a trip to Lambeau and tell her all the historic moments in Packers history.

Treat her to a Leafs-Canadiens game and get drunk with a bunch of hockey fans and tour her around Montreal. Make a trip to see the Knicks in Madison Square Garden a part of a horrifically expensive trip to New York City.

Take her to Vegas and shell out for tickets to a UFC event so she can see what real men look like (and why she’s glad you’re not an Ed Hardy wearing douchebag like most UFC fans I’ll take an extra-medium gotta show off my pipes. She’ll realize that your relationship is only partly about sports, especially if the trip is littered with nice dinners, tours of a cool city and romantic hotel sex.

Before you know it, you’ll have a girlfriend that suddenly likes sports and all your buddies will be jealous. And hell, if you can make sports a common ground for you and your lady, then you’re half way to heaven. The next step is teaching her how to make a great Reuben Sammich.

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A Male Fairy Tale

by admin on August 24, 2011

Once upon a time,
a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “will you marry me?”
The Princess said, No!!!

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, drove Corvettes and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and all his fishing equipment and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

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Date My Daughter – Apply Here

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